Guru of the Big Apple (that is hot)

New York.

So far, it has been amazing, but it has also been an adjustment. Everything is new to me and--combined with the vast scope of what this city offers--a bit overwhelming. So, as I navigate the sidewalks marbled with the urine of innumerable toy dogs, I look for comfort and inspiration from someone who's been here. Someone who walks these same streets with me, but is connected to them at the core. A Gotham guru as endemic to the city as honking horns, good bagels and the Waldorf-Astoria itself.

Paris Hilton.
Celebutante extrodinaire. Reality TV star. Unwitting porn star. Owner of a bug-eyed dog. What might Paris say to me.... to keep me going, to help me nurture my nascent New Yorker?

"You don't have to be an heiress to look like one, if you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one."

True, Paris, but I'm a guy, and don't really need to appear to be an heiress.

"I loved all the Aaron Spelling shows, 'Beverly Hills 90210' and 'Models Inc.' I couldn't stop watching them. At that time, I had pet rats I was raising and I always named all the baby rats after the characters in the shows."

That's not really relevant.

“When Paris has to pee, Paris has to pee!”

Ummmm.....

"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything."

Oh, snap! Good one. Did you think of that on your own? But..... Paris. Please!! Won't you please help me??

"Believe in yourself and ... everybody's hot.”

Yes. Everybody is hot. Thank you, Paris.

These New York streets can be cold. And on this crazy planet we call Earth--

"This is Earth. Isn't it hot?"

Paris....

"Those cupcakes still look good to me."

Sigh. To me too, Paris. They look good to me, too.

(yes, those are actual quotes, according to unreliable, poorly annotated, random websites I referenced.)