Bugs don't hug.

'Kids say the darnedest things'. I would agree with that statement, and all attending ones--innocence and purity, incapable of deceit, etc. I do think there is a limit though.

As I was riding in the elevator recently, I looked up at the Captivate screen (small tv screen that shows news, useless facts and such--ingeniously giving people something to look at other than other people) to see a poem by a 2nd grader. Captivate does little things like this--I am assuming because it tenderizes their boxed-in, dispensible-income audience for the eventual advertising onslaught.

Anyway, the poem was written in response to the question 'What is friendship?' and although I can't remember the whole thing, the punchline was 'Friendship is like two bugs hugging'.

Awwwwwwww. Right? Wrong.

I thought for a while about this; searching for some truth, some nugget of neophytic wisdom that I can't see because I'm so blinded by the unimportant. But, ulimately, I came to the conclusion that this child is overmedicated or isn't getting enough oxygen to necessary places.

First off, bugs don't hug. The bugs in question, the insect muses to this ode, were either fighting or humping. One of them may have ended up dead. Or loved and left. Or loved and then dead, and then left. Bugs eat the heads of their lovers. It's a harsh life, the bug's... like something out of a Tarantino flick.

Secondly... what? Friendship is sharing a seat with someone in the cafeteria. Friendship is not laughing at me when I have boogers in my nose. It's not two bugs hugging. Weak, kid.

He wasn't even trying. He was smart enough to see that bugs are small, and that they rhyme with hugs, and then his name was plastered on tv screens in elevators all over the country. That's it. He phoned in his assignment. And he's being rewarded for it.

I'll bet he's reveling in his ruse now, popping a Ritalin with his fourth juice box of the day. He's bragging to his little second grade friends about his stardom. He's well on his way to a career in grifting. And I wouldn't be surprised if he saw two bugs hugging, and he went over and stepped on them.

Which, while poetically ironic, isn't very friendly.