Shears for Fears

By now, most people in the world with electricity and a pulse know that Britney Spears is bald and troubled.

I can say so with relative certainty, due to the ferocity with which the media is tracking this layered story. I was reading one article on MSNBC.com about this sizzling saga of innocence (and follicles) lost, and noticed on the right hand side of the page were links to related stories on the topic.

• Report: Britney Spears Checked Into Rehab
• Is Britney Spears headed for rehab?
• Is Britney Spears in rehab?
• Britney Spears: Not in rehab
• Britney not headed for rehab; record still a go

It seems there were early conflicting reports, but the media finally--thankfully--got it right. She had checked into rehab, again. But, then she checked out again, which means of course that discussion and analysis will ignite like a pile of dead, brittle leaves. Until she checked in again.

But let us move on to the other breaking news.

Britney shaved off all of the hair on her head. What??!!? gasped the world in collective disbelief. No, it's true. We all saw the pictures. This can't be real. But it is-- it was made pretty clear in the news video entitled "Britney's Hairdresser Speaks". And to be honest, you can't be that surprised when you read the article entitled: "Britney's Nannies Speak Out". Brit's got issues.

When I read the article "Singer Pulled Out Hair Before Buzz Cut", I guess I had a little better understanding of why this was all happening. But there's still the part of me that wonders what REALLY made Brit cut all of her beautiful hair off, and check into rehab and then check out and then check in again and check out. And check in. It made me feel better when I looked at the "Britney's Hair Through the Years" retrospective on CNN.com, but I was still haunted by the question of why.

Because we don't really know for sure. I mean, we know from the pictures that were taken awhile ago--you know the ones with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan--that she, um, doesn't have hair in other places. So, maybe this is a statement. Maybe she's rebelling against the world that expects her to be a certain way. Or maybe she... she.... met an aggrieved Buddhist monk, and in charitable solidarity, decided to go hairless herself. Maybe she was inspired by strong and talented people that cut their hair, like Joan of Arc and Howie Mandel. Did you ever see The Legend of Billie Jean? And what about GI Jane? Demi Moore was so hot in that.

Of course, there's the rehab too. That's tough. But she's got Lindsay, who'll understand. And that dude from Grey's Anatomy. But is this going to affect her financially? The record deal seems like it's okay, but what about everything else? Luckily, I did see a headline that said that while "Spears in rehab" that the "Perfume deal safe". Apparently, Elizabeth Arden cares about Britney, and so the perfume is safe. Brit's still got the perfume.

Celebrities are so enigmatic, I guess that's why we love them soooo much. You kind of just want to hug them, and squeeze them, and make them all better--like a mangy but cuddly kitten (that also chain smokes).

So, to Britney, I would like to say: Everyone is pulling for you to make it through this difficult time. And we're watching you, just to make sure we know that you're okay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to see if I can still bid on your hair on eBay.