A Worst Case Scenario: Mr. and Mrs. Awful

There are two celebrities in particular who bother me: Paris Hilton and James Blunt. There are reasons for my disdain for the former; the latter just annoys me a great deal, for no definitive reason.

But there is a part of me that worries that somehow, through strange coincidences and a shared spotlight, that Paris Hilton and James Blunt might meet.

That part of me carries the scenario through to its hypotheticals--maybe they would start talking, and then maybe they would start dating. She would swoon over his sensitivity and broodiness, and he over her striking simplicity and misunderstood heart. She would call him Hot, he would call her Beautiful. They would co-create a line of cell phone accessories.

My mind races. I see them laughing together on the set of The Simple Life 9 (shudder). I see him serenading her on Oprah (shiver, shiver, dry heave). Barbara Walters invites America into their home to talk about their private lives. The horror takes hold.

Then... what if they got married? It would be televised on Fox. They would have a giant pink wedding cake and Rod Stewart would sing "Have I Told You Lately?". Then they would laugh and jump onstage for a duet of "I Don't Know Much, but I Know I Love You." and just to be quirky, Paris would sing the Aaron Neville part.

And... no, no, no.... what if they BREED??? What if they reproduce and create an army of vapid and vacuous little Bluntons? Surely there would be a Nostradamus quatrain about such an event -- we would be prepared for something like that, right? Are these things that will be, or only things that could be??? Spirit, say that these events may still not come to pass!!!

Ahem. Pardon me. Sometimes I get a little carried away, I guess. But it COULD happen. You know that, don't you?