Scimitar-Juggling Bellydancer for Hire

As I have been since I arrived here, I am on the prowl for jobs. Freelance, permanent, part-time and inane--if it interests me in some way, I usually apply.

Everyone knows that the process of applying for jobs can be an arduous and trying one. At times, when you don't receive responses despite consistent follow-up, it can seem like you are wasting your time; that no one really reads what you send or hears what you say.

So, sometimes, I try to change things up a bit--partially to make my submission more attention-grabbing, and partially just to see if anyone is really paying attention in the first place. Essentially, I can be dismissed.... but I refuse to be ignored.

Sometimes I use the subject of the email, since this is the first thing a prospective employer will see. I assume that most applicants’ subject lines will be germane to the position, such as: "Experienced Copywriter" or "Staff Writing Position". I often aim to stand out, with subject lines like:

Carnies with Softballs Scare Me

I opened this particular email by regaling the hiring party with the story of my brief stand-off with a short, dentally-bereft Coney Island game booth attendant. I got a response on this one, but it wasn't a positive one.

There are other times when I take the opportunity to clarify certain things in the job listing:

When you say "juggle projects"-- could a scimitar be considered a project?

Other times, often on Fridays, I am a bit punchy and just send emails to see if I can get a response. One job that was advertised was for women: specifically, attractive bikini-clad ones to pass out flyers in Times Square. Having a wildly askew body image and a mild hangover, I decided to apply:

Subject: Bellydance Bikini

Good morning,
I am a pasty white, somewhat fit male in my early thirties. I can bellydance (seriously), and I am interested in passing out flyers while wearing a bikini.
I even offered to write the flyers for them, but alas and alack, I did not receive a response to this email. I prefer to think it was because of my defiant post-script:

Please note: I will not shave my legs.

Because no matter how badly I want a job, I have my limits. After all, what is a man in a bikini, if that man is without his dignity? That -- is a question for which I don’t want an answer.