My wallet is in my other boxers

I have a Captain Underpants book. I have a shirt that says, in Spanish, Where are my pants? One of my favorite pieces of art, which used to hang in my bathroom, is simply a sign. It is painted with a charmingly unsteady hand, and in the style of "Beware of Dog" signs of chain-link fence fame, it states:

No Pants.

So, you can imagine how much I loved hearing from one of my friends about the "No Pants" annual tradition here in NYC. Every year, a group called Improv Everywhere organizes a pant-less subway trip. It is well-organized, and this year brought out over 150 people. If a participant is asked why he/she is not wearing pants by a fellow rider, they say that they forgot. Then someone comes through the subway cars selling pants for a dollar. It is inspired, and its existence may well be the universe telling me that I moved to the right place.

Incidentally, the police were involved this year. The name of one of the arresting officers?

Officer Panton.

Despite any claims to the contrary, there are some things that are right with the world.

No Pants 2K6

Guru of the Big Apple (that is hot)

New York.

So far, it has been amazing, but it has also been an adjustment. Everything is new to me and--combined with the vast scope of what this city offers--a bit overwhelming. So, as I navigate the sidewalks marbled with the urine of innumerable toy dogs, I look for comfort and inspiration from someone who's been here. Someone who walks these same streets with me, but is connected to them at the core. A Gotham guru as endemic to the city as honking horns, good bagels and the Waldorf-Astoria itself.

Paris Hilton.
Celebutante extrodinaire. Reality TV star. Unwitting porn star. Owner of a bug-eyed dog. What might Paris say to me.... to keep me going, to help me nurture my nascent New Yorker?

"You don't have to be an heiress to look like one, if you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one."

True, Paris, but I'm a guy, and don't really need to appear to be an heiress.

"I loved all the Aaron Spelling shows, 'Beverly Hills 90210' and 'Models Inc.' I couldn't stop watching them. At that time, I had pet rats I was raising and I always named all the baby rats after the characters in the shows."

That's not really relevant.

“When Paris has to pee, Paris has to pee!”

Ummmm.....

"Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything."

Oh, snap! Good one. Did you think of that on your own? But..... Paris. Please!! Won't you please help me??

"Believe in yourself and ... everybody's hot.”

Yes. Everybody is hot. Thank you, Paris.

These New York streets can be cold. And on this crazy planet we call Earth--

"This is Earth. Isn't it hot?"

Paris....

"Those cupcakes still look good to me."

Sigh. To me too, Paris. They look good to me, too.

(yes, those are actual quotes, according to unreliable, poorly annotated, random websites I referenced.)

You have a growth on your job title

Every morning, I review the potential jobs available to me. One that I recently saw was:


Senior Manager of Viral and User Growth Marketing


I don't know whether to apply for it or innoculate for it.

B.I.G in my R.E.M.

I have my alarm clock set so that I awake to hip-hop radio. I don't usually listen to hip-hop music, but there is something about waking up to it. As I waver in that hazy place between reality and dreamscape, I am temporarily fly: a bona fide playah hanging with my dream homies. I even rap: I'm sweet like syrup, lay down rhymes in stacks/flipping them around like they are....flap-jacks. Slowly, though, I wake; and blinking at the harsh morning light, I realize that my neighbor is making pancakes. It would be so dope to have pancakes right now.

A Pile of Joy for You

Let the blog fires burn again, stateside. I enjoyed it so much when I was traveling that I'd give it another go--for the next chapter in my changing life: New York City.

Welcome to the Bliss Heap. I don't want to make too much of it, but I hope this blog will be a source of total rapture to those who read it. May it be a mound of beaming sustenance to your hungry spirit. May it be your online nirvana, a clump of unmitigated glee on the boot sole of your life; a lump of scrumptious honey-baked happiness on your existential dinner plate. Plus, I am hoping to have pictures!


Please feel free to comment, and thanks for reading!

Championing the employable paper-self

Your resume is your foot-in-the-door. It's the face you show to potential employers, before you show your real face (the human one, on the front of your head). It's both a foot and a face, figuratively. Face it, in order to get that foot in the door, you want to put your best foot forward.

In my effort to do just that, here are some things that I have re-learned about developing a resume:

• Use "power words". An example of a power word would be "championed". As in: "Championed new project aimed at training new employees." The use of the word "championed", rather than, say... "supported" or "ran", is the proverbial difference between lightning and the lightning bug. You may have just put a big employee handbook on the new guy's desk, and pointed him in the direction of the can when he had to relieve himself, but on paper you were an unwavering warrior for the corporate neophyte. Obviously the rest of that bullet could use some "power" as well. You don't champion projects; you champion "initiatives". It's not training, it's "ongoing, intensive knowledge share".
  
  
• You did more than you thought you did. If you did your best on something, but it did not improve whatsoever, I think we can fairly say you "maximized" it. If you looked at something, you definitely "surveyed" it. If you looked at it everyday for more than 30 seconds, you "regularly analyzed" it. If you told Chuck from Accounting that it sucked, then you offered a "critical assessment".
  
  
• Remember that there is power in the indirect. You didn't rewrite a project plan, you "Retooled a broad-based priority initiative". You might even put "extremely" in front of "broad-based". Nope, check that. That's another tip -- don't over-sell. The base of an initiative can only be so broad, after all.

• Use those clever checkmark bullets where possible. It says "can-do go-getter".
  
  
• Show me the numbers. Another key element to resume writing, according to the published gurus, is showing quantitative results. Show me, don't tell me... that type of thing. Add some more power to what is already an immensely powerful statement of your professional worth with gems like:
  "Unearthed over 12 % savings in revamping $34 million divisional capital outlay. 47."

I am learning of the power of bullets and words and numbers. And I am adminstering them effectively, endeavoring to attain adequate benchmarks in employment acquisition, with marked increases such as a 220% jump in syllabic output.

If that doesn't get my face in the door, I don't know what will.