Warm, with Uncomplicated Hair

I can’t wait for Spring. It will not just be the beginning of warmth and outdoor fun, it will be the end of winter hats and me looking like a moron.

Because of this season’s chill, I wear a winter hat every morning on the walk to the subway. The hat does its job; it keeps my head warm. But the unfortunate collateral damage of a cozy scalp is ridiculous-looking hair. When I take off my hat, the resulting static-y cowlicks and matted swaths of hair make me look like Slow Country in the Big City. I look like a half-wit Appalachian that got too chummy with the turpentine. I look like Sling Blade after a three-day bender; like someone should’ve given me water wings for the gene pool.

And I may ask someone for the time, or if they know where they keep the pushpins around this office, and they’ll cock their head to the side in a sympathetic way and answer me. Me and my rube coiffure.